Save Tonight

From my other blog, to this one..

Is it pathetic that I haven’t felt like I’ve been in a relationship in months? Is it sad that I don’t think you love me at all anymore? Is it even more sad that you probably don’t? Is it depressing how I’m jealous of every other relationship I see? Is it pointless for me to be wanting so badly for you to love me? When was it that you stopped caring about my life and my problems? Why did you leave me alone? So very alone.. When will this sadness and confusion go away..

Hopefully the new candle will start to burn soon

I’ve realized a lot in these past few months. I know now things that help me not to cut or starve myself anymore. I look at pictures when I was little or was a baby and I think to myself, would I ever hurt that little child there. I say no of course. So that little person, it is me. That little child is and was me. I shouldn’t hurt her. She is too adorable and cute. She deserves happiness. She is absolutely perfect in every way. Well I am the same person, just older, so I don’t deserve to hurt myself. I deserve the best. 

Grandma, you’ve honestly been in my dreams once a week or so. I enjoy it greatly, because in them you don’t have Alzheimer’s. In the one last night I spent the whole dream with you. Peter and I were in this weird world where we had to do something and we could fly and we had to carry out some mission. I don’t remember exactly how to explain it even though I can see it in my head. But anyways, we ended up at your house. In the summer room on the left side of the house. I was laying with you on the long couch that used to be in there. And I told you that I was so happy to see you. You were thrilled as well. We made a note of how you had Alzheimer’s and how you knew what was going on right now. So i came to the conclusion that we were all passed away, because you already had. I told you that I didn’t care if I was dead because I had you now and you were with me. It was a nice dream even if it was kind of weird and random things happened in it. I was just glad because the whole time it was like you were actually there again.